What it feels like to be a grown-up...

Well, first impressions of being 30 are good! It probably sounds daft to say that it does feel a little bit different from being 29. I think that's mostly the sense of optimism and hope that this is going to be a great year. I'm in a very different position indeed than I was last birthday, and there are a number of key factors that are also very different now than they were then. The future's orange, as they say.

I felt quite overwhelmed with the loving wishes that seemed to pour in yesterday, with cards through the door, musical e-cards and wall messages on Facebook. I frankly wondered what all the fuss was about! Then I re-read the training course I was busy trying to finish off ready for a client, all about Personal Development. It looks at how our sub-conscious mind builds up a set of values and beliefs, not all of which are true. We have to challenge them and re-train it in order to achieve things. This, combined with the last counselling session I attended, is starting to move things in my head - long overdue too. My therapist (oh my goodness, I'm talking like an American!) asked me why I'm so ashamed of my illness, and why I find it so very difficult to talk about. I said I don't know, and since that session, I've thought a lot about it.

It feels a bit stupid sitting here saying something like "Hello I'm Richard and I suffer from Clinical Depression" but the fact remains that it's true. I do, so there. And since there are only a handful of people that actually read this, and I love them all dearly, here goes..... Some days I feel fantastic, unstoppable, limitlessly talented. Other days, I feel like the lowest piece of scum on the earth who is selfishly taking up other people's resources like air and food. Apparently J.K. Rowling based her Dementors on depression: how the world goes icy cold, and drains of aevery piece of happiness that was ever there. Harry describes how he felt that he would never be happy again. Welcome to clinical depression.

Sometimes I just can't face people, even the ones I love, and I have to just hide until the feeling goes away. I think part of it is that I don't want people to see me like this, some sort of British inability to ever admit that anything's wrong. Linda (my therapist) reminded me that if I had a broken leg, I wouldn't think twice about putting in an appearance, so why should I, just because my condition is mental not physical? It all sounds so logical, so sensible! And yet it's so very difficult to implement when they're swarming around you.

So, in the spirit of the freedom of information act, there are a few things that you all you need to know:

1) First and foremost, I love you all to bits! Cottrelly people, thank you so much for making me part of the family, I feel very welcome amongst you and that's nice.

2) I find dealing with depression very difficult, and I don't always deal with it in the best way (if there is one...) Sometimes I hide away, and that's not always the best solution, but when I do you HAVE to know that it's not because I don't like you or don't want to be with you.

3) May the Lord bless you all to never have anything to do with it. It's the most evil, debilitating illness I can think of. There's not a facet of your life that it doesn't have the power to utterly screw up.

4) You all need to know what an AMAZING sister you've got in Linda. She has put up with a stroppy, sulky teenager for so long now, and there's never been an inkling that she's ever wanted to give up and walk away. I can't put into words how much she means to me and how very grateful I am for her. She has quite literally been a rock that I've clung to when the seas have just about swallowed me up and I have longed and even begged not to be here; she has held my hand until the storm was over so many times. Sorry to get all slushy, but I needed you all to know that.

So how is being 30 so different from being 29? Well, in my case, I now have an excellent Doctor who actually listens and is prepared to experiment to find the right medication; I have a superb psychotherapist who reads me like a book and is really uncovering some juicy stuff; I'm now in a fitness habit which is getting stronger, and already I can feel the difference; I'm working for myself again which I love, and things are starting to grow and progress; I've finished my AAT qualification at last which puts me in a much stronger position to secure work. There will still be down days, I know that, but I feel so much more prepared to handle them than I ever have done before.

So... there it is. I'm 'out of the closet' so to speak. No more secrets. No more hiding. I'm not ashamed it any more. This is me, so there. God bless you all for loving me the way that you do.

And thank you, thank you for all of your birthday wishes.

xx